Insomniac

Here I am, sleepless again..
My mind is busy with unhappy thoughts that keep me awake.

The subject is my ex colleague. The one that copies the food I eat. Even copies what I drink. And also the one that asked me how I draw my eyeliner. And yes, the one that went to Taiwan after I went, and the one that felt really jealous when I went Tokyo.
I am really disturbed by her. She has found a job with a magazine finally.
Even though it is not a fashion magazine and she's whiny about it.
I feel glad for her its a good chance to leave the present lousy company.
But feel that she is cunning in a way thats proven by her actions.

Last year when we were still colleagues, I used to tell her I am interested to work in a fashion magazine. All she could do was throwing wet blanket by saying its a v tough job with overtime all the time. Little did I know she started to apply for magazine job too after Im working freelance.
She is clearly aware that I am looking for a fulltime job. As a friend, she knows that fact, and she failed to inform me when she knew there was an opening for a fulltime job at the magazines and she applied it herself. Sly. When I asked her what other jobs did she apply for, she refused to say and just replied the magazine was the only one that replied her. She refused to tell me for fear of competition.

I dont think Im being petty right? She really is sly right?
And why should I pretend to be good friends with her when she is sly with me right?
I should distance myself from her. She suggests to meet up next weekend. I cant help but feel sickening at the thought I must dress ugly for fear she wants to copy me again and .. doesnt that make me pretentious and fake? And should i act happy for her actions? For having found a new job, for pretending to not know I would be interested in the job and failing to tell me?

She is also the one who refuses to admit she's going on a diet. She also jogs on weekends to loose weight. I think she is abit over the top. She is really jealous of tall pretty girls as she said so herself. When I openly ask her about her dieting, she just finds excuses and says shes on special diet cos she got pimples that day. Lame.

I mean... why is all the cunning & sly for? If you really want to be friends, then be open and honest.

I cant help but feel disturbed by these jealous cunning ppl in my life. I feel very disturbed.
I am so easily affected by other ppl in my life. I feel angry at myself.

Are her actions and behaviour clear to you that she is cunning, secretive and a very jealous person? She is so stereotypically Scorpio. And somemore her chinese horoscope is Snake. And Snake's character is also supposed to be cunning. Double whammy. Or am I just over-paranoid?

Last Saturday makan with mum .

And what about the guilt afterwards?

I just did something really psycho.
Im not proud of it. I am ashamed.
But I think there is a deeper underlying problem.
I am most likely a real closet psycho.

Mom washed and spoilt my fav bag. The colour run leaving behind white patches.
I dont know how did she scrub my bag to make the colour come off like that.
I did not ask her to help me wash the bag. I just took it out and put aside to wash myself prob this weekend. I told her before its my favourite bag. And I just told her that again a few days ago. Its not the first time she spoilt my bag/watch/clothes/whatever.
I was boiling mad. To the extreme.

Here comes the awful truth.

I broke the hanger thats used to hang clothes, into 2 pieces.
I kicked and punched the washing machine.
I slammed and kicked and punched the bedroom door.
I slammed the chair on the floor.
I called mom who is playing mahjong at the time, and screamed into the phone.
I slammed the house phone.

Somewhere inside me, a voice told me I need to take revenge.

So I took a hammer and smashed the house phone into pieces.

On a lighter note!

I am proud to promote Travis to my number one fav band!! Overtaking Radiohead finally!
I am proud to finally comfortably make this change finally finally!!

Every single time I put Travis' songs on, all the energy in my body comes alive and I feel like jumping up and down!! I wonder how does Fran ( Lead vocalist) writes his songs.. They're so wonderful, melodic, soothing and musical.. Wow.. I dont know how to describe.. But his music is really so so beautiful.. And the personality of the band is so great. They're really happy and sweet people!!!!! I love their scottish accent too! They're so cute!!

And watching their concert for the second time, at Tokyo last year, on my birthday, gave me the happiest happiest birthday ever. Jumping around, singing along, waving frantically, trying to snap some pictures.... until one stupido japo told me my cam was blocking his view. Cant blame me for your shortiness, shortyyyy!!!!!!!! He really spoilt my mood then.

But... I was really super duper happy!!!!!!!!!

When you have time, check out some of their songs at youtube:

Travis : Sing


Travis : Writing To Reach You


Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me


Travis - Turn


Travis - More Than Us

I am overbearing to my friends...

I also hate my self-deprecating ways. I seek solace in Morrissey songs. He knows what Im talking about. Friends are even sick of listening to my whining. I am also sick of whining to them. As if it would change a thing. As if it would make them care more about me. As if they even cared from the start. Friendship is a very weird thing. The older you get, the lesser friends you have. The longer the friendship, the more they take you for granted. The sad truth is I dont have any friends. Throughout these few years, I have weeded them out. And some have left me. I have none left. Except only one best friend. I have a sad little life. Sigh...

Yes, one can make new friends. I think its just as hard to find a good friend or to maintain a friendship. I take each of my new friendship seriously. Even though I know Im a very judgemental person, I am very critical and full of complaints. But I try to tread on each new friendship carefully and try to see beyond their faults and accept them for who they are. Sigh. Or am I being hypocriptical? I dont know who I am anymore. I am learning to change myself to suit the world. Change-for the better, hopefully... I dont know.

Life is a constant battle with myself.

How to do this?

I had bad luck in almost all of my previous jobs.
I have no more faith.
I have even lost my confidence.

One crazy boss after another.


Will it ever change for the better?

I am smashed even at the slightest thought of failing an interview.

Why is it so easy for some people, and why is it so hard for me?

Interviews are belittling and mean.

And they ask you questions just to put you on the spot.

And they will definitely ask me that dreaded question.
How old are you?

With the revealing of age, comes discrimination...
and unfounded expectations...

I am scared...

Recently, in my freelance job, they started asking that dreaded question..
Damn... As each day passed by, I was hoping they will never ask that.
It threw them into a frenzy again, whenever I refuse to tell someone my age.
Nobody respects that. They always think its funny and gets them excited and they keep asking you and trying to find out. I am so afraid, that I am hesitating to hand in my weekly timesheet, cos I have to fill in IC number.
I wonder whos that idiot who made rules that IC numbers should start off with the year you are born. I wish I could change my IC number. I am so shameful of my age, or ageing. People just dont respect that. The more you dont want to reveal, the more they want to know.

God bless me. I need to get a GOOD job REAL SOON. Like any NORMAL person. GOOD JOB with GOOD colleagues and GOOD BOSS and GOOD PAY of course.

I am so full of fear. My LEO courage has been blown away.

Who said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

I've been baffled for years and years. Why is imitation the sincerest form of flattery?

I'm not shameless or imagining this, but it is really happening to me. And I hate it. Girls I have known throughout the years have tried to imitate me in one way or another. It is really annoying me. I just try to distance myself from that person and dress ugly when I meet them. They always ask me how did I do my makeup, how did I do my eyeliner or what mascara/makeup do I use. I dont like to be with competitive people or jealous people. I find these ppl who try to imitate me are jealous and hence do not make the best of friends.

I had one classmate who had an imitation of ALL my clothes that I always wear to school. She could not find the exact clothes, so she bought similar looking ones. How psycho is that?

I had one malay classmate who imitated my hair and makeup too. She was fat and couldnt imitate my clothes, so she cut the same haircut and coloured the same way as I did.

2 years ago, I freelanced at a company and met a girl with the same birthday as me but was 10 years older. It is really annoying that she imitates me from clothes to makeup and now even trying to have my hair. I really find it very psycho. I told her before Im really irritated by copycats, but she still goes on. Once I went shopping with her and showed her one shop which I told her was my favourite earring shop. Guess what, she visits that shop religiously now. Like those kiasu aunties who always cheong to the market early for fear of missing out something, she cheongs to the shop regularly and grabs all the stuffs. I have stopped going to that shop.

If you think nobody can be anymore psycho, you are wrong. I met a girl who copies what I eat. She was chubby when I started work in that company. Soon as time passed, she tried all ways to slim down. And I really hate it when people dont admit it. All girls love to slim down, don't need to hide it! What I choose to eat, is true to what I like to eat. Which is fish soup, yong tau foo these kind. Light and tasty. Besides, I dont eat pork or beef or mutton. Because I love animals and want to become vegetarian in the future. This girl thinks I choose my diet cos Im vain. She used to eat a completely different kind of diet from mine, but soon always copy what I order for lunch. Even the choice of drink also copy mine. She even resorted to eating all veges sometimes. Its really irritating even more whenever she finds some excuses for herself to hide from the fact that she is dieting. She is a very easily jealous person, as all Scorpios are anyway. So, Scorpios can never make good friends. They are very scheming people. She has even admitted before that she is very jealous of tall and pretty girls. Recently, she has asked me how do I do my eyeliner. Im really very irritated. I believe more than 15 girls have asked me that question before. And Im working at a magazine now, and she is also applying for a magazine job. Why is all these copying for? And she was very jealous I went to Tokyo last summer. She wants to go very much.

I also have another ex colleague who stares at my eyes whenever we meet up. Its damn weird ok? But its true. She also asks what mascara I uses and dashes to the nearest store and asks me to show her the exact one.

I really want to tell them off in the face. But I know that would seem thickskinned and petty. But Im really annoyed!!!!! I really wanto dump these people away sometimes, but human need friends. Annoying.

Trust me, there are at least 10 clones out there.

Pls girls, use your brains. There are all kinds of makeup in the world and many ways to apply makeup. Different makeup/method suits different people. You do not have to follow me. I am not the prettiest girl in your life. Pls bring your envy somewhere else.

How do I solve this problem?